The AvengersÂ will start raking in euros and shekels this coming week, as it rolls out in dozens of countries across the globe before it hits U.S. screens May 4. This is an affront to American culture so serious, we fear it could unleash the apocalyptic menace of Loki on Marvel Studios,Â whichÂ produced the film, and Walt Disney Pictures, which is distributing it.
Luckily, Movie Smackdown is on the case with a collection of SmackTalk Comix,Â The Avengers: Day One, designed to tide over American audiences, while helping Hollywood insiders avert the pain of Thor’s hammer. Â We’ve crafted this alt.world story of the group’s origin using existing stills released to the public last October along with our own fevered imaginations.
The tale begins with that Crafty Guy with One Eye, Nick Fury, who needs Steve Rogers to wrap his head around the idea that he’s just taken a 70-yearish nap.
Fury figures the way to make Cap’s transition go a little smoother is to give him someÂ S.H.I.E.L.D.-made,Â state-of-the-art new fighting armor.
Steve will have to ponder how much women have changed since the 1940s at a later date because, right now, he’s being thrown into a shotgun wedding with Iron Man, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye and some dude everybody says has anger issues after he got gamma rayed a while back.
Whether it’s college sorority pledges or the World’s Greatest Superhero Team, it’s always hard for the new people to fit in. Sometimes feelings are hurt through careless gestures.
In the end, all we know is that the only way forward is to talk honestly about your feelings with your fellow super-team members. We have learned this by watchingÂ X-MenÂ andÂ Fantastic FourÂ movies.
With The Avengers distracted by their workplace crisis, the evil Loki plots his course of destruction.
Unaware of the danger on its way to Earth, the Avengers were free to consider the future and begin to coolly order their priorities:
The problem with protecting humanity from those who would exterminate or enslave us is that it is a messy business. There are times when, frankly, even a confident man would begin to question if it was even worth it.
As for the eventual Smackdown that the Avengers will have to win, we turn to another well-received super-hero group origin film, one from last summer: X-Men: First Class.