Bryce Zabel's MOVIE SMACKDOWN!

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008) -vs- The Mummy (1999)

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ten years ago, "The Mummy" was packing the theaters with its re-imagining of the classic creature-feature. It went on to take $155-million at the box office here in the U.S. and a whopping $416-million worldwide. Given its budget of $80-million, its producers made a pretty tidy profit. In honor of that achievement, we present Tyger Torrez's 2008 Smackdown that put the original in the ring with the latest incarnation (pardon the pun).

 Who's Your Mummy Dearest? 

The Smackdown.  For years, everyone knew the Big Three of Classic Horror: Dracula, The Wolf Man, and Frankenstein.  That other Undead Dude, The Mummy was second-tier, a guy with a few flicks but not the endorsements ('Count Chocula', anyone)?   It's like he was the forgotten step-child.  All that changed, of course, when Universal decided to dust off the title to remake (sorry, 're-imagine') and cast Brendan Fraser (Link from the classic  'Encino Man') in the 1999 version of "The Mummy."  The re-boot made a load of dough.  Money means more Mummy Mayhem, namely: "The Mummy Returns", a sequel of-sorts; "The Mummy: The Scorpion King;" and recently, "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor."  Four films in less than a decade.  Let's see how the original (well, the new original) holds up against the upstart, or our latest installment.  Let the mummification begin!

The Challenger.  The prologue to "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" starts in Ancient China where an Evil Emperor, Han (Jet Li) is conquering the known world.  He has a vast army and his priests have shown him how to shape shift and control the elements.  But that's not enough: he wants Immortality!  It just so happens there's a Witch (Michelle Yeoh) who knows the Secret. The Emperor wants her for himself but she's in love with his general.  She gets the point (literally) that Han's not a nice man and puts a curse on him and his army, turning them in Terra Cotta statues (because, apparently, in the Far East they didn't believe in wrapping their mummies in bandages).  The proverbial sands of time pass and Alex O'Connell, the grown Son of Rick (Fraser), finds the Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.  When bad guys awaken him, Alex is joined by his parents Rick and Evelyn (here played by Maria Bello) who are all too eager to quit their boring retirement and kick some mummy ass.   Rick goes three-for-three by putting down the Emperor with the requisite magic blade and saving the world (again).

Death Sentence (2007) -vs- The Brave One (2007)

Do-It Yourself Justice

The Smackdown.  The problem with being a vigilante is that it's illegal.  So if you take the law into your own hands to get the justice you think the system is denying you, you're still likely to get the system to throw the book at you.  Not practical for the average guy.  Going back to Charles Bronson in "Death Wish," films become the way for crime victims to stand up to the really bad guys when the cops or the judges won't do it for you.  2007 saw the vigilante film genre in strong resurgence with two revenge flicks that came at the story completely differently: one from a man's point of view, and one from a woman's perspective.  For purposes of this Smackdown, Jody Foster and "The Brave One" get to the be the defending champion because that film managed $70-million in worldwide box office while Kevin Bacon and "Death Sentence" have to challenge, having made less than $16-million.  Money can't buy you love, though, especially here at Movie Smackdown.  Here's a battle of the sexes to see who made revenge the sweetest.

The Challenger.  In "Death Sentence" Kevin Bacon is Nick Hume, an ordinary businessman, husband, and father who suddenly finds his world destroyed by a senseless act of violence.  His oldest son is killed before his eyes in a robbery.  The culprit, a young initiate into a gang, is set free. Vengeful, Nick confronts him and winds up stabbing him.  Now they're even, right? Hardly.  Culprit's older brother and his gang don't think so and target Nick and his family.  The violence escalates until Nick's family is killed and he goes after the gang on their turf in the bloody finale.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008) -vs- Journey to the Center of the Earth 3-D (2008)

Fraser-on-Fraser Violence

The Smackdown.  Does the world actually need two films in less than a month starring Brendan Fraser as a cocky action hero in a film where the stakes are supposedly life-and-death but not really?  How about just one film like that?  Okay, then, let's just say that Brendan Fraser is having a pretty damn good summer with these two films (a sequel of a sequel and a re-imagining of a classic).  Let's also say, for the sake of argument, that you have a limited amount of bandwidth for this kind of entertainment and are suitably skeptical of Fraser given, say, the crimes against cinema of "Dudley Do-Right" and "George of the Jungle."  If you can only deal with one Brendan Fraser "vehicle" based on previous material this summer, which one should you see now while it's still in theaters, and which one should you see at home where the popcorn's cheaper and the bathroom's closer?   

The Challenger. The prologue to "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" starts in Ancient China where an Evil Emperor, Han (Jet Li) is conquering the known world.  He has a vast army and his priests have shown him how to shape shift and control the elements.  But that's not enough: he wants Immortality! It just so happens there's a Witch (Michelle Yeoh) who knows the Secret. The Emperor wants her for himself but she's in love with his general.  She gets the point (literally) that Han's not a nice man and puts a curse on him and his army, turning them in Terra Cotta statues (because, apparently, in the Far East they didn't believe in wrapping their mummies in bandages).  The proverbial sands of time pass and Alex O'Connell, the grown Son of Rick (Fraser), finds the Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.  When bad guys awaken him, Alex is joined by his parents Rick and Evelyn (here played by Maria Bello) who are all too eager to quit their boring retirement and kick some mummy ass.   Rick goes three-for-three by putting down the Emperor with the requisite magic blade and saving the world (again).

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008) -vs- The Mummy (1999)

 Who's Your Mummy Dearest? 

The Smackdown.  For years, everyone knew the Big Three of Classic Horror: Dracula, The Wolf Man, and Frankenstein.  That other Undead Dude, The Mummy was second-tier, a guy with a few flicks but not the endorsements ('Count Chocula', anyone)?  It's like he was the forgotten step-child.  All that changed, of course, when Universal decided to dust off the title to remake (sorry, 're-imagine') and cast Brendan Fraser (Link from the classic  'Encino Man') in the 1999 version of "The Mummy."  The re-boot made a load of dough.  Money means more Mummy Mayhem, namely: "The Mummy Returns", a sequel of-sorts; "The Mummy: The Scorpion King;" and recently, "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor."  Four films in less than a decade.  Let's see how the original (well, the new original) holds up against the upstart, or our latest installment.  Let the mummification begin!

The Challenger.  The prologue to "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" starts in Ancient China where an Evil Emperor, Han (Jet Li) is conquering the known world.  He has a vast army and his priests have shown him how to shape shift and control the elements.  But that's not enough: he wants Immortality!  It just so happens there's a Witch (Michelle Yeoh) who knows the Secret. The Emperor wants her for himself but she's in love with his general.  She gets the point (literally) that Han's not a nice man and puts a curse on him and his army, turning them in Terra Cotta statues (because, apparently, in the Far East they didn't believe in wrapping their mummies in bandages).  The proverbial sands of time pass and Alex O'Connell, the grown Son of Rick (Fraser), finds the Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.  When bad guys awaken him, Alex is joined by his parents Rick and Evelyn (here played by Maria Bello) who are all too eager to quit their boring retirement and kick some mummy ass.   Rick goes three-for-three by putting down the Emperor with the requisite magic blade and saving the world (again).

Get Smart (2008) -vs- The Nude Bomb (1980)

Who's Sorry Now?

The Smackdown.  The Re-Make Express keeps rollin' its way down the box office tracks with no end in sight.  There are re-makes of classic movies.  Re-makes of classic TV shows (is “Three’s Company: The Movie” so far fetched)?  Re-makes of Re-makes!  The latest ‘re-imagining’ turns out to be the beloved "Get Smart," the show about a bumbling spy, who despite his unknowing ineptitude, thwarted comedic villains intent on world domination every week on TV.  I watched the show as a kid and so badly wanted some shoes with a secret phone in them.  I still do.  And with merchandising what it is, I'll probably get a pair that'll hold an iPhone.  Anyway, they tried to re-make the TV series almost three decades ago with Don Adams still in the role of Maxwell Smart and now it's Steve Carell exploring a brand-new kind of "Office" over at the place called "Control."  The Smack is On!

The Challenger. “Get Smart” (the 2.0 version) opens with the classic theme and Secret Agent 86 walking down a long hall past high-tech security doors to a simple telephone booth that drops him down into Control Headquarters.  But this isn’t your Grandpa’s Control Headquarters.  Nope.  This is the New and Improved Control (with a healthy budget for all the CGI). 

In a bit of inspired casting, Steve Carell assumes the Maxwell Smart role, but here he’s a Computer Analyst who dreams of becoming a Field Agent.  It seems Control is more like High School with its clicks of the "cool" spies (the Jocks) who look down on the Computer Nerds (the, uhm, Nerds).