Bryce Zabel's MOVIE SMACKDOWN!

Wanted (2008) -vs- Mr. and Mrs. Smith (2005)

Angie Get Your Gun

The Smackdown.  Angelina Jolie loves guns.  On top of knowing this, I have a sneaking suspicion that studios love Angelina Jolie with guns because most men do.  Who wouldn't want to see the gorgeous wife/mistress/girlfriend of Brad Pitt kick into high gear and kick ass while shaking her own?  So, while a million wives and girlfriends hold their lovers closer now that the "Wanted" DVD and Blu-ray is out, let's entertain these men's ultimate fantasy -- a movie smackdown where one Angelina Jolie with guns faces off with another Angelina Jolie with guns.  When such doppleganger femme fatales clash, who comes out on top?  When the smoke clears, will it be "Mr. and Mrs. Smith"'s Jane Smith or "Wanted"'s Fox that'll have women checking their boyfriends' internet histories to avoid becoming the next Jennifer Aniston?

The Challenger.  "Wanted" is an interesting case of comic book adaptations.  Michael Brandt and Dennis Haas adapted Mark Millar's graphic novel while MIllar was finishing the series.  The result was a screenplay that barely resembled the comic series, which focuses on a world where disgusting villains have massacred all superheroes and now move on to fighting one another. The film "Wanted" focuses on Wesley Gibbons (James McAvoy), a nerdy pushover recruited by Jolie's Fox to follow in his father's footsteps and join the Fraternity, a organization of ambiguously powered assassins who literally read the threads of fate to determine their targets.  This "Loom of Fate" allows the Fraternity to keep good and evil in check.  With Jolie's help, McAvoy must take out the man who killed his father, the notoriously ruthless Cross.  Highly flawed, Wanted is nevertheless an ultra-violent rookie film that'll thrill action buffs with its obligatory set pieces and bombastic stunts.  This movie is about action more than story; expect it and just enjoy McAvoy and Jolie tearing through bad guys in frenetic, stylized combat.

Wall-E (2008) -vs- Toy Story (1995)

Toying with Our Feelings

The Smackdown.  Something happened last night that I never thought could happen.  I waited in line for a midnight showing of a G-rated movie.  I stood in the lobby of the local AMC 20, next to a skinny, teenage kid dressed up as a boxy, yellowish robot with tank treads, and stared across the hall at a line of people waiting to see "Wanted," the brash, gun-toting, slap-your-mother ultra-violent Mark Millar-adaptation. And as I watched them, I thought to myself, "Heh, losers."  Obviously they had chosen the wrong movie to see that night. How could they possibly want to see anything else other than Pixar's newest, possibly greatest masterpiece, a two-hour-long space-opera with barely any dialogue about robots who sift through garbage?  It was "Wall-E."  And it was on.

So, today, it's "Wall-E," Pixar's newest advancement in computer-animated awesomeness, against the grand-daddy of them all, the first authentic feature-length computer-animated film ever, "Toy Story."  We all know the deal there -- toys come to life.  Done.  We're hooked. And ever since the film's first screening, we've been running out of our front doors shouting "To Infinity and Beyond!" as we left for work each morning (you haven't?).  So let's pit one set of talking inanimate objects against another set of sort-of-talking inanimate objects.  Let the best merchandise win!

The Challenger.  Way, way back, back before "Toy Story" was produced and Pixar was the animated behemoth that it is today, Andrew Stanton created Wall-E. A small, "short-circuit"-styled robot (whose name is actually an acronym for the phrase "Waste Allocation Load Lifter Earth-Class") Wall-E is the last of a line of robots left on Earth to clean up the mess we've made. Due to years of gorging consumerism, the planet has been left a giant trash-heap, too littered to possibly sustain life. In a grand gesture of social responsibility, the mega-conglomerate Buy 'N Large Corporation has encouraged humanity to take a 5 year "vacation" away from the planet, allowing their robots stay behind and restore Earth to a livable state while we all relax pool-side. Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned.

Get Smart (2008) -vs- The Nude Bomb (1980)

Who's Sorry Now?

The Smackdown.  The Re-Make Express keeps rollin' its way down the box office tracks with no end in sight.  There are re-makes of classic movies.  Re-makes of classic TV shows (is “Three’s Company: The Movie” so far fetched)?  Re-makes of Re-makes!  The latest ‘re-imagining’ turns out to be the beloved "Get Smart," the show about a bumbling spy, who despite his unknowing ineptitude, thwarted comedic villains intent on world domination every week on TV.  I watched the show as a kid and so badly wanted some shoes with a secret phone in them.  I still do.  And with merchandising what it is, I'll probably get a pair that'll hold an iPhone.  Anyway, they tried to re-make the TV series almost three decades ago with Don Adams still in the role of Maxwell Smart and now it's Steve Carell exploring a brand-new kind of "Office" over at the place called "Control."  The Smack is On!

The Challenger. “Get Smart” (the 2.0 version) opens with the classic theme and Secret Agent 86 walking down a long hall past high-tech security doors to a simple telephone booth that drops him down into Control Headquarters.  But this isn’t your Grandpa’s Control Headquarters.  Nope.  This is the New and Improved Control (with a healthy budget for all the CGI). 

In a bit of inspired casting, Steve Carell assumes the Maxwell Smart role, but here he’s a Computer Analyst who dreams of becoming a Field Agent.  It seems Control is more like High School with its clicks of the "cool" spies (the Jocks) who look down on the Computer Nerds (the, uhm, Nerds). 

The Incredible Hulk (2008) -vs- Hulk (2003)

Do Over: The Green, Green Glow of Hulk

The Smackdown.  HULK SMASH!  I'm sorry, but I had to; it's just such a funny, quirky comic book phrase.  It's not often you get a Smackdown as clean as this one either where a project has been re-cast, re-conceived and the first director has been sent packing.  When you consider that The Incredible Hulk is the franchise follow-up to Ang Lee's 2003 Hulk, you have to take into mind that it's the new Marvel Studios steering the cinematic wheel.  Its recent Iron Man proved a ridiculously profitable and critical hit but, quite frankly, I shuddered at the thought of a second motion picture tackling this heroic green figure after the first installment created such a controversial cinematic history (gamma Hulk poodles anyone?).  I can see the halls of Marvel Studios one or two weeks ago, brimming with newly starched suits and promiscuous congratulations over Iron Man's $530 million plus heist.  Now, a bunch of execs sit around a table -- bleary-eyed, ties loose, coffee cups empty, cell phones nearby -- hoping their new Hulk shares more than the color green with a one dollar bill.   So while those overpaid studio execs worry over that, let's have a Hulk-sized SMACKDOWN between Ang Lee's Hulk and Louis Leterrier's The Incredible Hulk.  May the best conflicted angst-ridden monster win.

The Challenger.  The Hulk returns rebooted under the directorial guidance of Transporter director Louis Leterrier off a script originally penned by Zak Penn and rewritten by Edward Norton.  In The Incredible Hulk, Norton plays Stan Lee's classic Bruce Banner, a simple scientist whose brilliance leads to a tragic lab accident.  Now a fugitive from a military general who wishes to make him a weapon, Banner longs for a cure to his monstrous alter-ego and the forced isolation it demands.  Like Stan Lee's original Hulk, The Incredible Hulk focuses on Banner's struggle to contain this monstrous Neanderthal lurking inside him.  In fact, it's the film's petrol, blasting through Bourne-style chase scenes and WWF-style mutant throwdowns.  But like the green beast himself, Letterrier's film loses a bit of its humanity when it goes "Hulk."  Coupled with somewhat awkward pacing, the film may leave audiences like Bruce Banner after a "hulk-out": scratching your head asking where the hell am I and what the hell just happened?  Comparing the shooting script to the finished film, there are a plethora of scenes missing -- mostly character-oriented -- that would've better balanced the film.  Banner's therapy session with his lover's new boyfriend and Banner's attempted suicide are among them.  On top of this, some of the dialogue -- no matter how good the actor, or how green -- just can't be pulled off.

Iron Man (2008) -vs- Batman Begins (2005)

Self-Made Heroes

The Smackdown.  It's been a dark time for comic book movies since Christopher Nolan's "Batman Begins" and Bryan Singer's "Superman Returns."  Over the past two years, "Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer," "X-Men: The Last Stand," and "Spider-Man 3" raised red flags with audiences and critics alike: is the comic book movie Golden Age finally imploding upon itself?  If Marvel Studios, Marvel Comics newly-launched production company, has an answer, it's "NO!"  Jon Favreau's "Iron Man" marks Marvel Studios first independently-owned production (distributed by Paramount).  It follows the high-tech adventures of billionaire Tony Stark, as he soars into the world as the red and gold avenger, Iron Man.  Amongst us comic book nerds, when we're not debating if Wolverine could take Superman, a frequent discussions is how Iron Man is Marvel's Batman.  So in honor of us comic nerds' long-standing debates, we'll see how Christopher Nolan's "Batman Begins" stands against the high-flying, repulsor-blasting "Iron Man."

The Challenger.  Meet Tony Stark: womanizer, billionaire, alcoholic, genius.  A child prodigy, Tony Stark is responsible for the world's most deadly military weapons, developing and funding his inventions via Stark Industries.  Robert Downey Jr. plays our hero, a self-absorbed braggart who suffers a mid-life crisis after being abducted by Middle East terrorists and barely escaping with his life.  Determined to make a difference in this dangerous world he's help create, Downey's Stark takes to building a suit capable of mitigating the disasters in the world.  Surprisingly funny and well-acted, but also with its serious moments, "Iron Man" is a testament to movie audiences that comic book movies are not dying.  Jon Favreau's sharp direction and Downey's well-thought acting clearly form the backbone of this avenger's journey, an adventure that sometimes suffers from clunky pacing and unsure character moments.

The Defending Champion.  As a movie icon, Batman was all but dead following Joel Schumacher's nipple-clad, hyper-colored "Batman & Robin."  Somehow, Christopher Nolan relaunched this franchise by tossing aside the previous films and starting from scratch.  And when we say scratch, we mean scratch -- a young, vengeful Bruce Wayne wandering the world, lost in his own misery.  There is no Batman.  Nolan's psychological action-thriller traces Wayne's journey in becoming the legendary Dark Knight, and his first attempt to defeat a overzealous terrorist mastermind who shares Batman's hate of corruption but wishes to eradicate it using genocide.  Complex and a tad heavy-handed, "Batman Begins" captivates audiences with great casting, amazing action set pieces, and a darker tone that encourages a contemplative movie-going experience.